There is No Grass on my Lawnon June 16, 2011 at 12:01 am
There is No Grass on my Lawn
A Short Story by Justin Mashburn
The following are excerpts from an unmarked journal found near the burnt remains of a small home just off of Eleida Home Rd. Asheville, NC.
Spring has finally come in full. It was a long winter, and I’m glad it’s finally over. Unfortunately that means that it’s time for yard work again. Today I’ve purchased a reel mower and went to work mowing the grass. It seems like every year I forget how arduous it is to mow even a small yard. Maybe I should hire someone to cut it for me.
Time to mow the lawn again. The grass here grows a little faster than the place I rented last year. A different variety I guess but no matter. My arms are really sore though. Most of the yard is fine, but there’s this one patch near the road that is damn near impossible to cut. It’s so think that it would clog up the blades on the mower so that I’d have to back up and go at it again several times to cut it all. At least it’s just that one patch.
Remember that small patch of grass that was hard to cut? It’s growing. I noticed today that it was considerably larger than it was when I last mowed. I wonder if it’s really some type of weed. I think I’ll head to the hardware store and see if they have some good herbicide for it.
If the herbicide did anything at all it was to piss this grass off. Not only is it still growing, but it’s taken over almost half of my front lawn. It used to take me just forty-five minutes to mow, now I’m lucky if I’m done in two hours.
I don’t know if I’m getting weaker or if this grass is getting stronger, but I’m now completely unable to mow my lawn! It’s so damn thick that I can’t even get my reel mower started moving before it clogs. I’ve decided to hire someone to cut the grass for me. Hopefully they have a better time of it.
This is ridiculous! Today the guy came over to mow my lawn. He had a gas powered riding mower and it would have just taken him minutes to do my small lawn, except that after just one pass his lawnmower broke down! He says he’s not sure what happened, but I know. It’s that damned grass! It’s like the devil spilled his seed in front of my house, and this green, grass-like plant arose from the earth on the spot. How is this even possible!?
The lawn guy came again today. He had repaired him lawnmower, and according to him had mowed several peoples lawns since then, but just like last time after just a single pass his mower broke down, smoke rising from the engines housing. Now he has the audacity to blame me!? He says that there must be roots or large rocks hidden in the grass, though when I asked him to show me he couldn’t find a single one. He’s demanding that I pay for the repairs on his lawnmower. I don’t think he’s going to try to mow my lawn again.
It’s time to get serious! I’ve just ordered the largest, most powerful lawn mower I could find. It’s more of a tractor really, and I’ve had to hire people to special deliver it since it doesn’t fit on any normal truck. It should arrive tomorrow, and then we’ll see about this devil-grass.
There is no grass on my lawn. By this I do not mean that my tractor-mower worked, or that the nigh-invincible flora that inhabits my lawn has somehow vanished. But instead I have realized that whatever that green monocotyledon growing on my lawn is; it is not grass. I received my mower today, and immediately put it to work. The engine roared to life with a deafening sound which raised my meager spirits in the hope that this would finally be enough, but as I lowered the blades another noise entered the air, even louder than the engine, like a thousand cats wailing through the night, or hundreds of nails being dragged down a chalkboard. A cacophony of horror that ceased only when I was at last able to kill the engine. I strode cautiously around to back of my machine to discover the baleful source of the sound. The steel blades of my mower: warped and ruined as if I had tried to cut through solid rock. As terrible as that sight was to behold it was not to be the worst of it. Glancing down I came to the awful realization that while the mower’s blades had been irreparably destroyed, not a single blade of grass had been cut!
Never in my life have I been as horrified as this moment. What manner of lifeform have I discovered? How did this seemingly indestructible plant come to exist? What demonic purpose might it have? There is no way to know, and no need to know. All that is important is that it is destroyed. I have soaked the ground in gasoline! If it cannot be cut, then hopefully it can be burned! The house will likely go with it, but it is a small price to pay to rid the earth of this ungodly plant.
The owner of the journal has yet to be located. However it is worth noting that to all appearances there was never an attempt to burn the grass around the house at all. In fact the lawn appears to be perfectly manicured. Though it is still mysterious that none of the grass, not even the grass close to the house, was burned while the home burned down to ash.